***GUESTS FOR YOUR SHOW - 1 of 2***

It's time for you to suck down today's DELICIOUS AUDIO
CELEBRITY GUESTS contact info, available here:
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	DAVID ALAN GRIER (Host, NBC's "Thank God You're Here") will be available for radio interviews on Monday, August 20th from 7:00 - 8:00 a.m. PT.
	BARRY CORBIN (from "Northern Exposure" and now, TNT's "The Closer") is available for interviews Monday, August 20th from 5:30 - 7:30 a.m. PT.
	JAY MOORE is the co-founder of MyFreeImplants.com, a website that lets women who want breast implants make profiles and ask visitors to donate money toward their surgeries.  Quite a few women have raised enough for surgery.  Check it out HERE.
	JERRY SPRINGER (Host, NBC's "America's Got Talent") will be available for radio interviews on Tuesday, August 21st from 6:00 - 7:00 a.m. PT.

 

 

	RICHARD Z. JOHNSON is a city attorney from Mansfield, Louisiana, who wrote a law in which you can get fined $150 for wearing pants that are saggy enough to show underwear.  Read about it HERE.
	KALEY CUOCO (from CBS's "8 Simple Rules" and the new show, "Big Bang Theory") will be available for radio interviews on Monday, September 24th from 8:30 - 10:30 A.M ET.
	ALISON SWEENEY (Host, NBC's "The Biggest Loser 4" and Sami on "Days of Our Lives") will be available for radio interviews on Tuesday, September 4th from 6:00 - 8:00 A.M. PT.

 

Again, contact info for these guests is available here:

http://www.DeliciousAudio.com/celebrity_guests.asp

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you can sign up for a FREE TRIAL here:

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Also. . . TODAY'S DELICIOUS AUDIO includes. . . a message from GEORGE BUSH on JENNA'S ENGAGEMENT. . . a message from Airport Security on the "BEHAVIOR DETECTION OFFICERS" who will soon be scrutinizing our faces for the MICRO-EXPRESSIONS OF EVIL INTENT. . . and a rival website
to the one that raises money for women's boob jobs, "THE UNITED
CHEST-HAIR REPLACEMENT FUND".

Grab it all here:  http://www.DeliciousAudio.com

 

SHOWBIZ SEX

--Jenna. . . the chubbier Bush twin. . . is engaged
--Joe Namath is a grandfather. . . thanks to his 16-year-old daughter
--Regis Philbin blew Joel Madden's surprise proposal to Nicole Richie
--Salma Hayek's pregnant stomach is gargantuan. . . but luckily, so are her breasts
--Check out these pictures from Britney Spears' "Allure" magazine spread
--Mary J. Blige and her husband are expecting their first child
--The "Star" tabloid says that Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend are engaged
--Christian Slater has had a crush on Winona Ryder since they made "Heathers" in 1989

SHOWBIZ NONSENSE

--The guy suing Michael Vick for $63 billion is now suing Barry Bonds for $42 million
--David Hasselhoff wants his ex-wife to get a job
--Tracy Morgan got off easy on his DUI

NEW MOVIES THIS WEEKEND

--"The Invasion" - an "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" remake starring Nicole Kidman
--"Superbad" - a teen comedy starring Michael Cera and Jonah Hill
--"The Last Legion" - a retelling of the King Arthur legend starring Ben Kingsley, super-hot Indian actress Aishwarya Rai and Colin Firth
--"Death at a Funeral" - a dark comedy directed by Frank Oz
--In limited release. . . "The 11th Hour" - Leonardo DiCaprio's GLOBAL WARMING EXTRAVAGANZA

MOVIE QUICK HITS

--Jennifer Aniston has signed on to appear in the movie version of that nonfiction dating book, "She's Just Not That Into You"
--Here's a link to watch the first four minutes of "Saw 4" online

TV QUICK HITS

--Barack Obama will be on "The Tyra Banks Show"
--"A Raisin in the Sun". . . featuring John Stamos and Diddy!!!. . . is coming to TV in February
--Kathie Lee Gifford quit "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee" because her dad was dying
--Weekend TV Reminders    /    TV Talk Shows

MUSIC QUICK HITS

--Amy Winehouse has cancelled a bunch of upcoming shows
--Music Quiz:  "I can't eat before a show.  So, it's like five hours since I've eaten when I'm onstage.  But I think it's good to go a little hungry and a little pissed off.  It gives you an edge."
--Here's video of Clay Aiken DESTROYING "Sexy Back"
--Gwen Stefani had to make a bunch of adjustments to her act to perform in Malaysia
--Bruce Springsteen's next album is called "Magic" and it will drop on October 2nd

ON THE YOUNG URBAN TIP

--Jay-Z made $36 million last year, to lead the "Forbes" list of the top earners in hip-hop
--More details about the Foxy Brown assault case:  She's been charged. . . and the fight was over blasting a car stereo

COUNTRY QUICK HITS

--Hank Williams Jr. assembled an all-star cast to perform this year's theme song for "Monday Night Football"
--Deana Carter's new album, "The Chain", drops October 9th
--Mindy Smith is releasing her first Christmas album on October 9th
--Top Country Albums    /    Top Country Singles

STUPID NEWS

--A British cop who had sex on duty gets to keep his job. . . because he kept his walkie-talkie on the entire time
--Follow-Up:  The juror who hid an MP3 player under her Muslim headscarf won't be charged with a crime
--A storage company causes controversy with a pro-choice-themed billboard. . . featuring a coat hanger
--The Pentagon paid $999,798 to ship two 19-cent washers.  But it's not totally their fault
--A woman in Canada gives birth to identical quadruplets
--A man has a heart attack at a hardware store in an aisle giving a defibrillator demo
--Two potential side effects to a Restless Leg Syndrome drug are. . . pathological gambling and hypersexuality
--The OLDER you are, the more DANGEROUS it is for you to climb Mount Everest
--There are SIX different last names that show you might have PIRATE ANCESTORS
--Video of the Day - A cheerleader getting TACKLED in mid air

 

THE WAR, GENOCIDE AND GLOBAL WARMING

 

USEFUL TIPS TO GET YOUR GROOVE ON
AND/OR GET YOUR JUNK TOUCHED

--Six ideas for a "sex date"
--The five reasons you're not meeting any guys

 

HOW TO HANDLE TRICKY WORK CONVERSATIONS

 

J     O     K     E     S

 

THE TOP BUMPER STICKERS SEEN IN WEST HOLLYWOOD

 

BIRTHDAYS    /    BACK IN THE DAY    /    GOLD & PLATINUM RECORDS

JENNA. . . THE CHUBBIER BUSH TWIN. . . IS ENGAGED: 

JENNA BUSH. . . the chubbier, and no doubt NAUGHTIER of PRESIDENT BUSH'S twin daughters. . . is engaged.  The husband-to-be is Henry Hager. . . the son of Republican party hotshots in Virginia.

--Hager. . . who has worked at the Commerce Department. . . is in the final year of the MBA program at the University of Virginia.  He's 29.  Jenna. . . who's 25. . . is publishing a book this fall about a 17-year-old, HIV-positive single mother in Panama.

--She and her mother are also doing a children's book about a boy who doesn't like to read.

JOE NAMATH IS A GRANDFATHER. . . THANKS TO HIS 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER: 

JOE NAMATH is a grandfather, courtesy of his daughter Olivia.  His 16-YEAR-OLD daughter Olivia.  She was impregnated at 15, and had the baby two months ago.  The child will be raised by Olivia's mother. . . Joe's ex-wife. . . while Olivia finishes high school.

--According to the "New York Daily News", the father is 19-year-old Edwin Baker. . . who may or may not be the same 19-year-old Edwin Baker who has three arrests in the past year. . . for grand theft, burglary and meth dealing. . . in the Jupiter, Florida, area.

--Namath. . . who's 64. . . told the "Palm Beach Post", quote, "I'm very happy."  (???)

JOEL MADDEN WANTED HIS PROPOSAL TO NICOLE RICHIE TO BE A SURPRISE. . . BUT REGIS PHILBIN BLEW IT: 

JOEL MADDEN of GOOD CHARLOTTE was hoping to SURPRISE girlfriend NICOLE RICHIE with a ring.  But when he appeared yesterday on "Live with Regis and Kelly", REGIS PHILBIN totally blew it for him.

--Regis said, quote, "You're going to present her, maybe, with. . . did I hear the right thing, or should I not even talk about this?"

--To which Joel replied, quote, "Uh, what?" 
--Regis answered, quote, "A little ring?"
--And Joel said, quote, "I was hoping it would be a surprise."
--Here's video of this chaos. . .

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20051999,00.html

(--Nicole is about five months pregnant with Joel's kid.  Obviously, there's no word on a wedding date yet.)

SALMA HAYEK'S STOMACH IS GARGANTUAN. . . BUT LUCKILY, SO ARE HER BREASTS: 

The child inside SALMA HAYEK'S uterus continues to grow at an alarming rate.  (???)  Luckily, no matter how big this kid is, the chances of it going hungry are slim. . . because Salma's breasts just keep getting bigger, too. 

--Check out this recent picture. . .

http://www.thecompletesheet.com

--Salma should be giving birth soon. . . if she doesn't EXPLODE first.  We never got a firm due date, but estimates around the World Wide Web of Speculation seem to agree it's somewhere between late summer and early fall.

--The father is Francois-Henri Pinault.  He owns a company called PPR. . . which owns Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent.

--Supposedly, he and Salma are getting married around the holidays.  There were some tabloid reports earlier this week that Salma is planning THREE wedding celebrations:  One in her Mexican hometown, one in HIS hometown of Paris, and a third in L.A.

CHECK OUT THESE PICTURES FROM BRITNEY SPEARS' "ALLURE" MAGAZINE SPREAD: 

The upcoming issue of "Allure" magazine features a photo spread of BRITNEY SPEARS that was shot back in April.  And if these pictures haven't been tampered with, I'd say Britney did a fine job of getting herself back in shape after her pregnancy.
--Check 'em out here. . .
http://www.thecompletesheet.com

(--Britney is a bit more CANDY-COATED now than she was back when these pictures were shot.  But I think it only makes her look BETTER.)

--Meanwhile, it looks like Britney may be hooking up with magician CRISS ANGEL.  The two of them were running around L.A. together on Wednesday night. 

--Their evening supposedly ended in an 11th-floor suite at the Tower Beverly Hills Hotel.  Here's a picture of them together. . .

http://www.thecompletesheet.com

(--At least one report claims that this isn't sexual. . . and that Criss Angel is just working with Britney on her show-opening performance for the MTV Video Music Awards. . . although we haven't heard officially yet that she actually has that gig.)

RANDOM SEX: 

#1.)  MediaTakeOut.com says that MARY J. BLIGE and her husband Kendu Isaacs are expecting their first child.  There's no official word on this yet.

#2.)  The "Star" tabloid says that MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY and his girlfriend, Brazilian model Camilla Alves, are engaged.  Here are some pictures of the two of them together. . .

http://www.thecompletesheet.com

#3.)  No wonder CHRISTIAN SLATER couldn't make his marriage last. . . he's been hung up on WINONA RYDER since they made "Heathers" together in 1989. 

--He says, quote, "We don't speak on a regular basis, but I love her.  I've never gotten over the crush I had on her back then.  She is still the woman of my dreams."

THE GUY WHO'S SUING MICHAEL VICK FOR $63 BILLION IS NOW SUING BARRY BONDS FOR $42 MILLION: 

If you hadn't figured this out already, the South Carolina prison inmate who sued MICHAEL VICK for $63 billion and accused him of buying missiles from Iran for Al Qaeda is. . . pretty much INSANE.

--The psycho in question, Jonathan Lee Riches, is now suing BARRY BONDS for $42 million. . . for stealing his identity or some such insanity.  He's also suing baseball commissioner BUD SELIG. . . and HANK AARON'S baseball bat.  (???)

--Riches makes a bunch of ridiculous claims in his handwritten lawsuit. . . which is the 17th he's filed in less than two years.

--For instance, he claims that Bonds stashes Human Growth Hormone in secret compartments in, quote, "Hank Aaron's corked bat". . . and juices IN THE BATTER'S BOX.  He also thinks Barry Bonds used Hank Aaron's bat to crack the Liberty Bell.  (???)

--One of the other things that Riches claims is that Bonds BENCH PRESSED HIM back in June of 2004 in order to, quote, "show off in front of his ballpark buddies".

--And, perhaps most importantly, Barry Bonds SOLD STEROIDS TO NUNS.

(--Okay, I think we're officially done giving Jonathan Lee Riches the attention he's obviously begging for.  This was the last time.  But if you want to see his lawsuit against Barry Bonds. . . plus his mugshot. . . follow this link. . .)

http://www.thesmokinggun.com

DAVID HASSELHOFF WANTS HIS EX-WIFE TO GET A JOB: 

DAVID HASSELHOFF isn't going to let ex-wife PAMELA BACH sit back and live off spousal support payments.

--According to TMZ.com, THE HOFF'S lawyer asked a judge yesterday to order Pam to take a vocational exam. . . to determine if she has any MARKETABLE SKILLS.  (???)

TRACY MORGAN GOT OFF EASY ON HIS DUI: 

TRACY MORGAN was sentenced yesterday in connection with his November DUI in New York.  He got a $1,000 fine and five days of community service. . . which he has already served.  He also lost his driver's license for six months.

(--You may recall that Tracy was also ordered to wear one of those ankle bracelet that detects alcohol vapors coming off your skin. . .

(--That punishment was handed down by a judge in Los Angeles. . . because his arrest in New York violated the terms of his parole from a previous DUI bust in L.A.)

***NEW MOVIES THIS WEEKEND***

--"The Invasion" - a remake of the classic sci-fi flick, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". . . starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig.  (PG-13)

(--In this version, it's the contaminated wreckage of a space shuttle crash that infects everyone and turns anyone who falls asleep into emotionless, inhuman drones.  Nicole Kidman plays a woman whose little boy may somehow be immune to the alien virus.)

Official Site:  http://www.theinvasionmovie.com/

--"Superbad" - a teen comedy starring "Arrested Development's" Michael Cera and Jonah Hill. . . the HI-larious chubby guy you've seen in such movies as "The 40-Year-Old Virgin", "Knocked Up" and "Evan Almighty".  (R)

(--Two nerdy high school students go on a one-night mission to score with the ladies before they head off to college.)

 

Official Site:  http://www.areyousuperbad.com/

--"The Last Legion" - a retelling of the King Arthur legend starring Ben Kingsley as Merlin, super-hot Indian actress Aishwarya Rai as a warrior chick who trains "Arthur" and "Bridget Jones' Diary's" Colin Firth as a Roman general protecting them.  (PG-13)

(--The heir to the fallen Roman Empire is a little boy being hunted by an army trying to get rid of the last of the Caesars.  He escapes to Britain on a quest to find the missing sword Excalibur and to convince Rome's last loyal legion to stand against the invaders.)
Official Site:  http://www.lastlegion-movie.com/

--"Death at a Funeral" - a dark comedy that includes superstar "little person" actor Peter Dinklage as a funeral guest who reveals to the dead guy's kids that he was having a homoerotic relationship with their father.  It's directed by Frank Oz.  (R)
Official Site:  http://www.deathatafuneral-themovie.com/

--In limited release. . . "The 11th Hour" - Leonardo DiCaprio's global warming extravaganza.  Leo produced and narrated this documentary about the environment.  (PG)
Official Site:  http://11thhourfilm.com/

***MOVIE QUICK HITS***
MOVIE RANDOMS: 

#1.)  JENNIFER ANISTON has signed on to appear in the movie version of that nonfiction dating book, "She's Just Not That Into You".  She'll play a woman dealing with a long-term boyfriend who won't commit to marriage.

--DREW BARRYMORE stars in the movie, along with Jennifer Connelly, "Entourage's" Kevin Connolly and "Dodgeball's" Justin Long.

#2.)  If you still care about the "Saw" movies, you can watch the first four minutes of "Saw 4" online.  It's kind of dark and jumpy, but you'll get the idea.  Once again, two people are forced to try to kill each other in order to save their own lives.  (--"Saw 4" hits theaters on October 26th.)

--Here's the link. . .
http://iesb.net/index.php?option=com

***TV QUICK HITS***

BARACK OBAMA WILL BE ON "THE TYRA BANKS SHOW": 

BARACK OBAMA will submit to the relentless and insightful questioning of TYRA BANKS when he appears on "The Tyra Banks Show" on September 27th.

--As we heard earlier this week, HILLARY CLINTON will also be hitting up the daytime talk-show circuit.  She's doing "The Ellen DeGeneres Show".

THE TV ADAPTATION OF "A RAISIN IN THE SUN". . . FEATURING JOHN STAMOS AND DIDDY!!!. . . WILL AIR IN FEBRUARY:

We are just over six months away from the premiere of the TV adaptation of Broadway's "A Raisin in the Sun".  Which, in case you weren't aware, features the unprecedented pairing of SHOWBIZ GIANTS JOHN STAMOS and DIDDY.  (???)

(--Despite their obvious potential to create TV MAGIC together, for some reason, John Stamos and Diddy have never teamed up before this.)

--The three-hour movie was shot last December.  And ABC will FINALLY air it on February 25th at 8:00 P.M.

--A lot of the other people who did the Broadway version are in the movie, too. . . including Phylicia Rashad. . . (--who won a Tony for it). . . Audra McDonald, and Sanaa Lathan.  (--Diddy was in the Broadway cast, too.  Stamos was not.)

KATHIE LEE GIFFORD SAYS SHE QUIT "LIVE WITH REGIS AND KATHIE LEE" BECAUSE HER DAD WAS DYING: 

I know you've been waiting seven agonizing years to find out why KATHIE LEE GIFFORD left "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee" in 2000.  Well, here it is:  Kathie Lee walked because her father was dying from a brain disease. . . and she didn't want to deal with it publicly.

--She says, quote, "I knew it was going to be a horrendous family experience.  I just had to have that time with him without cameras in my face."  (--Kathie Lee will return to "Live with Regis and Kelly" for a 20th anniversary show on September 14th.)

***WEEKEND TV REMINDERS***

(--Check your local listing for times in your area.)

FRIDAY TV REMINDERS:

--"High School Musical 2". . . 8:00 to 10:00 P.M. on the Disney Channel.  (--The sequel to last year's hit "High School Musical" features the teenagers working at a ritzy country club over the summer. . . and Sharpay trying to steal Troy away from Gabriela.)

--"Phineas and Ferb". . . 10:00 to 10:15 P.M. on the Disney Channel.  (--A sneak peek at a new animated series about two-step-brothers who build outlandish inventions in their backyard.  Their older sister is voiced by "High School Musical's" Ashley Tisdale.)

--"Hannah Montana". . . 10:15 to 10:45 P.M. on the Disney Channel.  (--The Jonas Brothers guest star as themselves when they perform with Hannah Montana.)

--"Pre-Season Football". . . 8:00 to 11:00 P.M. Eastern on Fox.  (--The Minnesota Vikings battle the New York Jets at Giants Stadium in Rutherford, New Jersey.)

--"Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge". . . 9:00 to 9:30 P.M. on CMT.  (--Vanilla Ice and Ty's longtime girlfriend, Jewel, perform an impromptu concert.)

--"Psych". . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on USA.  (--"Good Times" superstar John Amos guest stars as a chef accused of murder after a restaurant critic is poisoned.)

SATURDAY TV REMINDERS:

--"Forbes Top 20 Hip Hop Cash Kings". . . 6:00 to 7:00 P.M. on E!  (--Big Boi, Lil' Jon, T.I., Swizz Beatz and Scott Storch are among the hip-hop artists profiled.)

--"Grand Ole Opry Live". . . 8:00 to 9:00 P.M. on GAC.  (--Trisha Yearwood, Clint Black and Cole Deggs & The Lonesome perform.)

--"Women's Gymnastics Championships" [Part 1 of 2]. . . 8:00 to 9:00 P.M. on NBC.  (--Part 2 airs Sunday night at 7:00 P.M.)

--"Pre-Season Football". . . 8:00 to 11:00 P.M. Eastern on CBS.  (--The Saint Louis Rams host the San Diego Chargers at Edward Jones Dome in Saint Louis, Minnesota.)

--"AustinCity Limits". . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on PBS.  (--Blues Traveler and Café Tacuba perform.)

--"America's Got Talent". . . 9:30 to 11:00 P.M. on NBC.  (--The final eight are trimmed down to the final four before next week's season finale.)

--"Masters of Science Fiction". . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on ABC. (--Malcolm McDowell is a genetic engineer who's created a race of non-human slaves by fusing a few strands of human DNA with plastic.  And Anne Heche plays a rich woman determined to save her favorite "anthropoid" from destruction by trying to legally prove it's human.)

SATURDAY TV REMINDERS:

--"Mad TV". . . 11:00 P.M. to Midnight on Fox.  (--"Dancing with the Stars" host Tom Bergeron and Efren Ramirez. . . best known as PEDRO FROM "NAPOLEON DYNAMITE". . . are this weekend's spectacular guests.)  (REPEAT)

(--This week's "Saturday Night Live" is pre-empted by the WWE's "Saturday Night's Main Event".)

SUNDAY TV REMINDERS:

--"(Pre-season) Sunday Night Football". . . 8:00 to 11:00 P.M. Eastern on NBC.  (--The Baltimore Ravens host the New York Giants at M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore.)

--"Women's Gymnastics Championships" [Part 2 of 2]. . . 7:00 to 8:00 P.M. on NBC.

--"Gene Simmons' Family Jewels" [2nd Season Finale]. . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on A&E.  (--Gene is given a lie-detector test to see if his legendary sexual exploits are B.S. or not.)

--"American Princess" [2nd Season Premiere]. . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on WE.  (--A reality show where women are sent to 'Princess Boot Camp' to compete for a chance at a British title, a date with a European aristocrat and $50,000.)

***TODAY ON TV TALK SHOWS***

EARLY MORNING SHOW GUESTS:

--"The Early Show" - The latest "Big Brother 8" reject.
--"The Today Show" - Music Guest:  Maroon 5.
--"Good Morning America" - Music Guest:  The Beach Boys.

MID-MORNING SHOW GUESTS:

--"Rachael Ray" - Dustin Hoffmanand "American Idol" reject Sanjaya Malakar.  (REPEAT)

--"Regis & Kelly" - Former "View" co-host Star Jones Reynolds.

--"The View" - Marcia Gay Harden.  (--Opera singer Beverly Sills co-hosts.)  (REPEAT)  (--I guess this would be one of Beverly Sills' last appearances.  She died July 2nd of lung cancer.)

--"Martha" - Actor Aidan Quinn learns how to plant organic vegetable containers.  (REPEAT)

THIS AFTERNOON ON TV:

--"Tyra Banks" - "Tyra Confronts Her Fat Tabloid Photos".  (--She says the photos were taken at a bad angle, so she puts on the same swimsuit to prove the stories are crap.  Here's video of Tyra in that one-piece bathing suit as she reviews the tabloid headlines. . .)  (REPEAT)

http://link.brightcove.com

--"Ellen DeGeneres" - Demi Moore.  Music Guest:  Maroon 5.  (REPEAT)

--"TRL" - No show today.

THIS AFTERNOON ON TV:

--"Oprah" - New York Jets wide receiver Laveranues Coles (--his first name is pronounced "luh-VERN-ee-us") goes public about having been sexually abused by his stepfather as a child.  (REPEAT)

--"Dr. Phil" - "Love or Money".  (REPEAT)

--"Dr. Keith" - "Addiction is Destroying Our Family".  (REPEAT)

TONIGHT ON LATE NIGHT TALK SHOWS:

--"Letterman" - David Duchovny ("The TV Set") and Phillies' first baseman Ryan Howard.  Music Guest:  Andrew Bird.  (REPEAT)

--"Leno" - Justin Long ("Live Free or Die Hard") and Michael Moore ("Sicko").  Music Guest:  Mandy Moore.  (REPEAT)

--"Conan" - Zach Braff ("The Ex"), DJ Qualls ("Delta Farce") and comedian Jimmy Carr.  (REPEAT)

--"The Late Late Show" - Aisha Tyler ("Balls of Fury").  Music Guest:  Augie March.

--"Carson Daly" - Dr. Drew.  Music Guest:  Satellite Party.  (REPEAT)

--"Jimmy Kimmel" - Don Cheadle ("Talk to Me") and "High School Musical" stud Zac Efron ("Hairspray").  Music Guest:  Editors.  (REPEAT)

--"Larry King" - Former "View" co-host Star Jones Reynolds is interviewed.

AMY WINEHOUSE HAS CANCELLED A BUNCH OF UPCOMING SHOWS. . . AND SHE SAYS SHE ONLY LEFT REHAB TO PICK UP A GUITAR??? 

After apparently suffering an OVERDOSE last week, AMY WINEHOUSE dropped out of a few European gigs with THE ROLLING STONES this week.  And now, Amy's rep says that ALL of her upcoming shows for this month have been cancelled.

--Her rep says, quote, "Amy is putting all her touring commitments for this month on hold until further notice in order to address her health issues.  Her family has requested that the media respect Amy's privacy at this time.  There will be no further comment."

--Amy is scheduled to perform at the "MTV Video Music Awards" on September 9th before kicking off a mini, two-week U.S. tour on September 12th.  For now, her rep says that those shows are still ON.

--Meanwhile, recent reports that Amy and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil left rehab appear to be true. . . but it was only temporary.  In a British radio interview yesterday, Blake said, quote, "It's been a difficult time for me and Amy.

--"We're still together and going back to [rehab] tonight.  We only came back to get a guitar, but of course in the paper that's interpreted as we're both so weak we left after three days."

--In the same interview, Amy was asked if the newspaper reports about her drug abuse were true.  She responded, quote, "I wouldn't say so, no."  (???)

***MUSIC QUICK HITS***

MUSIC QUIZ:  WHO SAID???  

"I can't eat before a show.  So, it's like five hours since I've eaten when I'm onstage.  But I think it's good to go a little hungry and a little pissed off.  It gives you an edge."

A.)  Courtney Love
B.)  Marilyn Manson
C.)  Steven Tyler of Aerosmith
D.)Avril Lavigne
E.)  Beyoncé
F.)  Billy Joel

ANSWER:  F.)  BILLY JOEL  (???)

HERE'S VIDEO OF CLAY AIKEN *DESTROYING* "SEXY BACK": 

If you're not a member of CLAY AIKEN'S large and inexplicably RABID fanbase, you've probably already written him off.  But if you're still a loyal ClayMate. . .

--Can you please explain this HORRENDOUS performance of JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S "Sexy Back" to me???  (--Check it out, here. . .)
http://www.tmz.com/tmz_main_video?titleid=1137849473

MUSIC RANDOMS:  

#1.)  Malaysia is a pretty strict Muslim country. . . so when heathen Westerners perform there, they have to adhere to a bunch of rules.  GWEN STEFANI will be performing there on Tuesday, and she's had to make a bunch of adjustments to her act.

--They include:  covering up from her neck to her knees. . .  not wearing any clothing with offensive words or images. . . and  refraining from jumping, shouting, hugging, kissing, or throwing things onstage.  (???)

#2.)  The upcoming BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN album will be called "Magic" and it'll drop on October 2nd.  It's his first disc with the E STREET BAND since their album about 9/11,called "The Rising", in 2002.

***ON THE YOUNG URBAN TIP***

JAY-Z MADE $36 MILLION LAST YEAR, TO LEAD THE "FORBES" LIST OF THE TOP EARNERS IN HIP-HOP:

Last year, JAY-Z made money from being the president of Def Jam. . . his album "Kingdom Come". . . his Rocawear clothing line. . . his 40/40 Clubs. . . his stake in the New Jersey Nets. . . and his endorsements with Budweiser, HP and General Motors.

--Added up, he took in $36 MILLION.  And, according to "Forbes" magazine, that makes him the BIGGEST earner in hip-hop last year.  Here's the entire top 20. . .

#1.)  JAY-Z, $36 million
#2.)  50 CENT, $32 million
#3.)  THE PUFFY DADDY, $28 million
#4.)  TIMBALAND, $21 million
#5.)  DR. DRE, $20 million
#6.)  EMINEM, $18 million
#7.)  SNOOP DOGG, $17 million
#8.)  KANYE WEST, $17 million

JAY-Z MADE $36 MILLION LAST YEAR, TO LEAD THE "FORBES" LIST OF THE TOP EARNERS IN HIP-HOP:  (. . . continued. . .)

#9.)  PHARRELL, $17 million
#10.)  SCOTT STORCH, $17 million
#11.)  LUDACRIS, $16 million
#12.)  T.I., $16 million
#13.)  OUTKAST (ANDRE 3000 and BIG BOI together), $14 million
#14.)  LIL' JON, $14 million
#15.)  ICE CUBE, $13 million
#16.)  JERMAINE DUPRI, $12 million
#17.)  SWIZZ BEATZ, $12 million
#18.)  CHAMILLIONAIRE, $11 million
#19.)  THE GAME, $11 million
#20.)  YUNG JOC, $10 million

***ON THE YOUNG URBAN TIP***

MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE FOXY BROWN ASSAULT CASE:  SHE'S BEEN CHARGED. . . AND THE FIGHT WAS OVER BLASTING A CAR STEREO:

Yesterday, we told you how FOXY BROWN had turned herself in to the police. . . for smacking her neighbor in the face with her BlackBerry.  We've got more details. . .

#1.)  Foxy has officially been CHARGED with felony assault, misdemeanor assault and misdemeanor possession of a weapon.  And, yes, in this case, that weapon is a cell phone.

#2.)  Foxy got into the fight with her neighbor in Brooklyn, New York, 25-year-old Arlene Raymond. . . after Raymond got mad at Foxy for BLASTING HER CAR STEREO.

#3.)  A few days after they argued over the car stereo, they passed each other on the street and that's when the fight turned physical.  Foxy threw her BlackBerry at Raymond's face at close range. . . it cut her lip and knocked a tooth loose.

#4.)  Just like you'd expect, Foxy's manager, Chaz Williams, says all the charges are false.

#5.)  Jack Ryan, a spokesman for New York's Department of Probation, says they HAVE filed a violation of probation with the court over this.  Foxy is on probation for assaulting two nail salon workers back in 2004.

***COUNTRY QUICK HITS***

HANK WILLIAMS JR. ASSEMBLED AN ALL-STAR CAST TO PERFORM THIS YEAR'S THEME SONG FOR "MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL":

HANK WILLIAMS JR. put together an all-star cast of guest performers to record a big band (slash) boogie-woogie version of his "Monday Night Football" theme song, "All My Rowdy Friends Are Here on Monday Night".

--His guests include the Brian Setzer Orchestra, Gretchen Wilson, Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora, Five for Fighting's John Ondrasik, funk legend Bootsy Collins and Drake Bell, whom your kids know from Nickelodeon's "Drake & Josh".

--They're taping a video of the song, which will debut before the September 10th game between the Baltimore Ravens and Cincinnati Bengals at 6:00 P.M. Eastern, on ESPN.

COUNTRY RANDOMS:

#1.)  DEANA CARTER'S new album, "The Chain", drops October 9th.  It includes several duets with some really big names, like George Jones, Dolly Parton, Shooter Jennings, Willie Nelson, John Anderson and Jessi Colter.  Now you know.

#2.)  MINDY SMITH is releasing her first Christmas album on October 9th.  It's titled "My Holiday", and it features some original songs as well as the usual holiday classics.  There's also a guest appearance from ALISON KRAUSS.

 

TOP COUNTRY ALBUMS: 

1.)  Taylor Swift, "Taylor Swift"
2.)  Brad Paisley, "5th Gear"
3.)  Tim McGraw, "Let It Go"
4.)  Carrie Underwood, "Some Hearts"
5.)  Toby Keith, "Big Dog Daddy"
6.)  Big & Rich, "Between Raising Hell And Amazing Grace"
7.)  Rascal Flatts, "Me And My Gang"
8.)  Sugarland, "Enjoy The Ride"
9.)  Billy Ray Cyrus, "Home At Last"
10.)  Jason Aldean, "Relentless"

 

TOP COUNTRY SINGLES:

1.)  Kenny Chesney, "Never Wanted Nothing More"
2.)  Rodney Atkins, "These Are My People"
3.)  Taylor Swift, "Teardrops On My Guitar"
4.)  Reba McEntire & Kelly Clarkson, "Because Of You"
5.)  Keith Urban, "I Told You So"
6.)  Bucky Covington, "A Different World"
7.)  Rascal Flatts, "Take Me There"
8.)  Brooks & Dunn, "Proud Of The House We Built"
9.)  Tim McGraw & Faith Hill, "I Need You"
10.)  Toby Keith, "Love Me If You Can"

***STUPID NEWS***

A BRITISH COP WHO HAD SEX ON DUTY GETS TO KEEP HIS JOB. . . BECAUSE HE KEPT HIS WALKIE-TALKIE ON THE ENTIRE TIME:

Last July, 41-year-old Massoud Khan, a British police officer, met a 43-year-old woman on an online dating site. . . arranged to meet her the NEXT day at the police station at Gatwick Airport, near London. . . and NAILED HER in one of the interrogation rooms.

--When his superior officers found out what he'd done, he was busted for willful misconduct, for having sex while he was on duty.

--This week. . . he was ACQUITTED.

--The reason:  A closed circuit TV feed of the room proved that Massoud had his police walkie-talkie on for the entire 20 minutes of relations. . . and he kept his earpiece in his ear.  (--Nice.  Classy.  And BRILLIANT.) 

--So, he told the court, quote, "If there was a call for me, I would've answered it and dealt with it."

--The jury unanimously agreed.  Massoud could still face a police disciplinary inquiry for acting unprofessionally.

--His lawyer says the court made the right decision, quote, "This is criminal court, not moral court.  It's doubtful this case would've been brought if he'd taken an extended lunch break or gone for a game of golf."  (London Times)

FOLLOW-UP:  THE JUROR WHO HID AN MP3 PLAYER UNDER HER MUSLIM HEADSCARF WON'T BE CHARGED WITH A CRIME:

(--We told you about this when it first happened back on July 10th. . . and today, we've got the less-than-satisfying conclusion.  Sorry.  We just report the news, we don't make it.)

Back in early July, in London, a young Muslim woman in her early 20s, whose name hasn't been released, was arrested. . . WHILE she was sitting on the JURY in a murder trial.

--Why???  She was wearing one of those full Muslim headscarves. . . called hijabs. . . that cover everything but the eyes.  And one of the other jurors noticed that, underneath her hijab, the woman was listening to an MP3 player WHILE the trial was going on.  (!!!)

--The woman was looking at a contempt of court charge, and those are SERIOUS in England. . . the sentence can be as much jail time and as much of a fine as the judge wants.

--BUT. . . yesterday, Britain's attorney general's office decided NOT to press criminal charges against the woman.

--A spokeswoman says, quote, "We have concluded that there is insufficient evidence to prove beyond reasonable doubt any alleged contempt of court."  (Reuters U.K.)

A STORAGE COMPANY IN MANHATTAN CAUSES A HUGE CONTROVERSY WITH A PRO-CHOICE-THEMED BILLBOARD. . . FEATURING A COAT HANGER:

Manhattan Mini Storage is a storage company in Manhattan (--so it's NOT just a clever name). . . and they're known for working LIBERAL MESSAGES into their billboards.

--In the past, they've promoted their storage with slogans like, quote, "The Democrats Cleaned the House. . . Now It's Your Turn" and "Your Closet's Scarier than BUSH'S Agenda".  But those are pretty innocuous.  Their newest slogan is causing INSANE levels of controversy.

--It's a billboard that reads, quote, "Your Closet Space is Shrinking as Fast as Her Right to Choose".  Behind the slogan?  A picture of a WIRE COAT HANGER.

(--In case that didn't register, the coat hanger is a pretty graphic reference to one of the most common ways women have tried to abort pregnancies in their own homes.)

--Kiera McCaffrey of the Catholic League says, quote, "We think they're absolutely disgusting."

--Manhattan is a VERY liberal place, though. . . 75% of the borough voted for JOHN KERRY over Bush in 2004.  Which means the billboard's also getting plenty of support.

--Silvia Henriques of the National Latina Institute says quote, "We like the creativity, and we think it's an eye opener as well as engaging people in dialogue."

--Manhattan Mini Storage declined to comment.  (CBS 2 - New York)

(--Here's a picture of the billboard. . .)
http://www.thecompletesheet.com

 

THE PENTAGON PAID $999,798 TO SHIP TWO 19-CENT WASHERS TO TEXAS.  BUT IT'S NOT TOTALLY THEIR FAULT:

Last year, the Pentagon paid $999,798 to ship two 19-CENT washers to a military base in Texas.  And normally, this is where we'd start ranting about them spending our taxes like that and how inefficient the military is.  But this time, it's not TOTALLY their fault.

--That money was billed to them by one of their contractors, C&D Distributors of Lexington, South Carolina.  The company has been ripping off the military since 2000, stealing huge amounts of money by exploiting a loophole in the Pentagon's billing system.

--Why does the Pentagon still get partial blame???  It took them more than SIX YEARS. . . and $20.5 MILLION in fraudulent shipping costs. . . before SOMEONE realized that C&D was corrupt.  (--And that IS because of pure, ineffective, inefficient bureaucracy.)

--C&D billed the Pentagon $455,009 to ship THREE MACHINE SCREWS, costing $1.31 each, to Marines in Habbaniyah, Iraq.  They billed $293,451 to ship an 89-cent split washer to an Air Force base in Florida.

--All told, the military had C&D ship $68,000 worth of stuff. . . and paid 30,147% more than that in shipping.

--The loophole that C&D used:  If something is shipped to a combat area or a U.S. base and it's labeled "priority", its bill is paid AUTOMATICALLY. . . without any human ever looking it over.  So C&D could get away with outrageous shipping charges.

THE PENTAGON PAID $999,798 TO SHIP TWO 19-CENT WASHERS TO TEXAS.  BUT IT'S NOT TOTALLY THEIR FAULT:  (. . . continued. . .)

--And they might've gotten away with it. . . but, like all con artists, they got GREEDY.  Once they started billing in the $900,000 range, they didn't realize it. . . but their bills got flagged and reviewed.  That's when the Pentagon caught on.

--C&D was owned by twin sisters. . . one of whom died last year.  The one who's still alive, 46-year-old Carlene Corley, has pleaded guilty to one count of conspiracy to commit wire fraud and one count of conspiracy to launder money.

--She's facing a max sentence of 40 years.

--The Pentagon is hoping to recoup most of the $20.5 MILLION by auctioning off the stuff the Corley sisters bought with it:  Jewelry, homes, beach property and high-end cars.

--If anything good came from this, it's that the Pentagon ran a full audit of all its contractors to see if anyone else was pulling this.

--No one else was doing it QUITE as much as C&D. . . the next closest, quote, "rouge contractor" billed "only" $2 MILLION in questionable transport costs.

(Bloomberg)

A WOMAN IN CANADA GIVES BIRTH TO IDENTICAL QUADRUPLETS:

(--Eight days ago, we told you all about a woman in Austria who gave birth to identical triplets, and how amazing and rare and cool that was.  WELL. . . today, we have a woman to tell you about who should've called eight days ago and told us to STFU.)

On Sunday afternoon, 35-year-old Karen Jepp of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, beat UNBELIEVABLE odds. . . and gave birth to IDENTICAL QUADRUPLETS.

--According to the best estimates, the odds of doing that without fertility drugs. . . like Karen did. . . are one in about 13 million.

(--Back on the 9th, we reported that the odds of having identical triplets were one in 200 million.  So, obviously, that number was reported WAY high by the source we got it from. . . yeah, I'm talking to you, "London Daily Mail", MSNBC and Fox News.)

--Karen and her husband, J.P., named their four identical girls Autumn, Brooke, Calissa and Dahlia.  They each weighed between 2.15 and 2.6 pounds. . . they were two months premature. . . but they're all doing well and breathing on their own.

--According to the New York University Fertility Center, there are fewer than 50 sets of identical quadruplets in the world.  The last reported set was born in April of last year, to a 26-year-old woman in India.  (Toronto Star)

A MAN HAS A HEART ATTACK AT A HARDWARE STORE. . . LUCKILY, IT HAPPENS RIGHT AS THE STORE IS GIVING A DEFIBRILLATOR DEMO:

Normally, we wouldn't say a heart attack victim is LUCKY.  But there's an 80-year-old from Albany, New Zealand, who just had a heart attack. . . and that guy is LUCKY.

--This week, the man was at a hardware store in Albany. . . and, in the middle of walking down an aisle, he suddenly COLLAPSED from a heart attack.

--And here's where the luck comes in:  At the end of THAT VERY AISLE, one of the store's salesmen, 42-year-old Gavin MacDonell, was giving a demonstration of a home DEFIBRILLATOR.

--So Gavin. . . who's been a volunteer paramedic for 20 years. . . took the defibrillator over to the 80-year-old guy. . . charged the paddles. . . and REVIVED him.

--Gavin told the "New Zealand Herald", quote, "Once we got a shock into him he started to gag, then we thought, 'This bloke's coming back.'  The people in the store were just blown away."

--The man is expected to fully recover.

(New Zealand Herald)

 

STUPID QUICK HITS: 

#1.)  Requip is one of the biggest drugs to treat Restless Leg Syndrome.  This month, the FDA made GlaxoSmithKline, the people who made Requip, list two new potential side effects:  Pathological gambling. . . and hypersexuality.  (!!!)  (WebMD)

(--So your legs stop shaking. . . but your genitals pick up the QUIVERING right where they left off???  And the entire time you're taking out new mortgages so you can bet on WNBA games???  Sounds like it has big party drug potential.)  (--Check it out online. . .)
http://www.requip.com/pd/hcp/safety_profile.html

 

#2.)  There are obvious statistics. . . REALLY obvious statistics. . . and then there's THIS.  According to a study by the University of Washington, the OLDER you are, the more DANGEROUS it is for you to climb Mount Everest.

--They found that climbers over 60 are three times more likely to DIE trying to get all 29,035 feet up the mountain.  They have a 5% chance of dying. . . versus a 1.5% chance for someone younger.  Only about one in 30 people who try to climb are that old.  (Wired)

#3.)  According to genealogy researchers in England, there are SIX different last names that show you might have PIRATE ANCESTORS.  Those are:  Morgan, Rackham, Bonny, Read, Kidd or Teach.  Now you know.  (???)  (The Telegraph)

(--Captain Morgan rum is named after pirate Sir Henry Morgan. . . Captain Calico Jack Rackham had two pirate chicks on his crew, Anne Bonny and Mary Read. . . Captain William Kidd was a pirate hunter turned pirate. . . and Edward Teach is the real name of Blackbeard.)

#4.)  Today's Video of the Day:  A cheerleader getting TACKLED in mid air.  Enjoy. . .

http://www.break.com

 

***USEFUL TIPS TO GET YOUR GROOVE ON AND/OR GET YOUR JUNK TOUCHED***

SIX IDEAS FOR A "SEX DATE":

When you've been with someone for a while, you might feel like all your dates are the same thing. . . dinner, maybe a movie, maybe just staying in, maybe relations at the end of the night if one or both of you aren't too tired.

--Today, from the people at AskMen.com, we've got an alternative plan:  Work your whole night around having SWEET, SWEET RELATIONS at the end.

--Here are their six ideas for a "sex date". . . things you can do and places you can go to add some variety and excitement to your dates. . . and your sex life.

#1.)  VISIT A CLASSY STRIP CLUB.  When you're going to a strip club together, make sure to go to the NICEST one in town.  (--Rule of thumb:  Avoid any strip clubs named "The Eager Beaver", "Pink Diamonds" or "Vaginas 'R Us".)

--Then, watch the dancers on stage. . . and, eventually, get a private dance as a couple.

#2.)  EAT AN AROUSING DINNER.  Make dinner at home, and orient ALL the foods around sex.  Include aphrodisiacs, like oysters. . . drink champagne. . . and feed each other.  For dessert, bring whipped cream, strawberries and chocolate into the bedroom.

#3.)  PLAY SEX GAMES.  At pretty much every sex shop. . . or online, if you're mortified at the thought of buying erotic stuff in person. . . they sell adult board games and card games.  Pick one up and try it out together.

--If you want to do this TONIGHT and you don't have time to buy one of those games, you can also play strip poker.  (--Or strip Monopoly.  Or strip checkers.  Let's be honest. . . you can turn any game you already have into a stripping game REALLY easily.)

#4.)  SHOP FOR LOVE TOYS.  Go to a boutique sex shop. . . one that's NOT right by an Interstate off ramp. . . and look for toys, or clothes, or whatever.

--If you're worried you guys won't pull the trigger and buy anything, buy a gift certificate ahead of time so you HAVE TO.

#5.)  GO SKINNY DIPPING.  Head to the beach or a lake and jump in.  You only have about three weeks left before the water's going to get too cold, so make the most of it.  (--And watch out for cops.  This is technically illegal, after all.)

#6.)  HAVE A PORNO NIGHT.  Choose one or two good porno movies. . . again, go for something more upscale and, if possible, classy. . . and watch them together.

--If you don't want to watch movies, you could also get some good erotic literature from an adult bookstore and read that together.  (AskMen)

THE FIVE REASONS YOU'RE NOT MEETING ANY GUYS:

#1.)  YOU HANG WITH A BIG GROUP OF GIRLS.  Rolling with a huge group of women is super intimidating to guys. . . especially the nice guys you'd like to meet who tend to be more scared of rejection than the dirtbags.

--So. . . if you go out with a big group, make sure to separate yourself a lot. . . go to the bar, walk around, head to the corner to take a cell phone call.  That way, if a guy has been watching you, he'll be able to confidently approach you when you're alone.

#2.)  YOU ALWAYS GO TO THE SAME PLACES.  Switch up where you go. . . don't hit the same three bars or go to the same people's parties every weekend.  You'll just end up seeing the same people over and over.

--Go outside of your comfort zone.  That means:  When a friend invites you to a party where you don't know anyone, or to go to an art opening, or whatever. . . give it a shot.

#3.)  YOU GIVE SOME GUYS THE COLD SHOULDER.  If you spot a guy you like and you're trying to send him signals. . . like with eye contact and hair tossing. . . and another, less attractive guy comes over to talk to you. . . you may want to blow him off.

--Don't.  First off, if the guy you're interested in sees you being rude, he's not going to talk to you. . . he's going to go find someone who's a decent human being.

THE FIVE REASONS YOU'RE NOT MEETING ANY GUYS:  (. . . continued. . .)

#3.)  YOU GIVE SOME GUYS THE COLD SHOULDER.  (. . . continued. . .)  And second, you never know if the guy talking to you. . . who you've superficially judged. . . is actually a really cool person.

--If the conversation isn't going anywhere, though, it's OK to politely excuse yourself and move on.

#4.)  YOU REFUSE TO BE SET UP OR GO ONLINE.  Unless you're willing to give ALL your options a shot. . . and those include set ups and online dating. . . you shouldn't complain about how much trouble you're having finding dates.

--You don't HAVE to go on a set-up date. . . you should just let your friends know you're open to them, in case they DO find someone perfect for you.  And you don't HAVE to date online, but, at least, go onto a site like Match.com and see who's out there.

#5.)  YOU'RE TOO FOCUSED ON MEETING SOMEONE.  Men can sense desperation, and it's scary.  If a man thinks you're too focused on meeting someone and having a relationship, he's scared you'll be talking about marrying him on the third date.

--Also, if you're too focused on finding a guy, you'll become WAY too self-conscious.  You'll focus so much on how you look, how you act and where you go that you can't enjoy yourself.  The best time to meet someone is when you're NOT looking.  (Cosmopolitan)

***HOW TO HANDLE TRICKY WORK CONVERSATIONS***

Occasionally you'll be forced to talk to your boss about uncomfortable subjects.  Here are four tricky work conversations, and how to handle them. . .

#1.)  YOU DRANK TOO MUCH AT AN OFFICE EVENT.  So you had a few too many, and you said some embarrassing things around the boss.  This scenario is actually pretty common.

--The best way to go about fixing this is to offer up a private, VERBAL apology for your behavior.  But don't go too in depth into what happened.  Just apologize and let them know it won't happen again.

#2.)  YOU'RE DATING A COWORKER.  When you need to tell your boss that you're in an office relationship, directness is the best way.  Some companies have strict policies about couples working together, so make sure you know the rules first.

#3.)  YOU'RE QUITTING.  However tempting it may be, make sure you don't tell your coworkers you're leaving before you let your boss know.  Explain to your boss why you're quitting, and leave on good terms in case you'll need a reference someday.

#4.)  YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR BOSS.  If your boss is making your life miserable, tell them.  Have a relatively informal chat, and offer up suggestions for how the problem can be solved.

(Cosmopolitan)

***JOKES***
--Clay Aiken will appear as a contestant on "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"  Because there weren't any open slots on Bravo's "Are You Gayer Than An Interior Design Student?"

--Lou Diamond Phillips' marriage to his second wife, Kelly Phillips, is officially over.  Phillips can now turn his attention to finding yet another woman he can abuse into divorce or lesbianism.

--The 2008 BMW 5 Series was the worst performer in new side-impact crash tests of luxury sedans by the insurance industry. . .
. . . But on the bright side, most people injured in those crashes are rich bastards.

     . . . But honestly, who needs safety when you've got the confidence of knowing you're better than everyone else as you cruise through town in your Nazi-mobile?

--In annual testing, Volvo scored top marks once again for safety.  And for making people think their grandmother is visiting when you pull into their driveway.

--A pair of German physicists claim to have broken the speed of light. . . an achievement that would undermine our entire understanding of space and time.  Does anybody else wonder if this might somehow lead to a weapon?

--The Dow dropped 340 yesterday, but gained most of it back. . .
. . . So I guess now the Dow knows how Delta Burke feels.

     . . . Well, in this situation, it's best to just tell the Dow that you support it one hundred percent, and that it looks fine in those jeans.

 

--Tom Cruise' 16-month-old daughter Suri has landed a lucrative contract for Baby Gap's new ad campaign.  Meanwhile, my 38-year-old brother that lives in my parent's basement STILL doesn't have a job.  But, he does have the high score on "Guitar Hero", so I guess he's accomplishing something right?

--Heidi Klum will star in new ads for Jordache.  And in order to prepare for the job of relating to Jordache's target market, Heidi Klum has reportedly begun teasing her hair, hanging out at malls on Long Island and driving a Camaro.

--Foxy Brown has been arrested for smacking her neighbor upside the head with her BlackBerry.  Before we rush to judgment, has anyone checked if the neighbor was smugly waving around an iPhone?  Because that's "just cause" for a smackdown as far as I'm concerned.

--Kathie Lee Gifford will stop by "Live With Regis and Kelly" on September 14th to celebrate the show's 20th anniversary.  And yet, the show's celebration will pale in comparison to the one Frank Gifford will have inside his head during the one hour Kathie Lee will be out of the house.

--David Beckham scored a goal in his first start for the L.A. Galaxy on Wednesday.  Then he hopped in his private jet, flew to his huge mansion and nailed his extremely hot wife in their infinity pool.  So, tell me again why I SHOULDN'T hate my life???

--First daughter Jenna Bush is engaged.  And the family seamstress is already working on making a wedding veil that can fit over a beer helmet.

--An unusually high number of walrus carcasses missing their heads have washed up on Alaska beaches this summer, alarming wildlife officials.  An unusually high number?  What, if there were only five headless piles of blubber laying around, no big deal?

--A new study shows smokers are less productive than their non-smoking co-workers.  Except when it comes to producing awed looks from the secretaries when they catch you lighting up a Marlboro in the parking lot and wonder if maybe now's the right time to finally take a chance with a rules-defying "bad boy".

--Dozens of women's and health groups are petitioning Camel cigarettes to stop making their No. 9 brand because they say it is marketed toward females. . .
. . . Yeah, cool females who want to look more attractive to men.   What's wrong with that?
. . . So, apparently, most women don't want to be thought of as sexy and cool.

--A new study shows that too much exercise can actually speed heart failure.  So, Mr. Shaved Legs and Spandex Shorts. . . how does it feel to know that all my mid-afternoon power naps have made me stronger than you?

--Experts say that drug problems at schools are getting worse.  And I believe them, because every time I'm cruisin' by my old high school in a letterman's jacket trying to score some weed from cheerleaders who want to come to my motel party, I never strike out.

--Experts say there are three types of women that many men avoid.  They include single moms, Goth chicks, and ladies I like to lump into one big category of women-who-won't-go-out-with-me, which I refer to as obvious lesbians!

--A couple in China is trying to get the government to allow them to name their child after the @ symbol used in e-mail addresses.  In a compromise, Beijing officials say if it's a girl, they'll allow them to name her DELETE.

(If you happen to visit Southern California, pay a visit to the deliciously gay city of West Hollywood.  And while you're driving through, check out at the cars in front of you, because you might see something from this list of the. . .)

 

***TOP BUMPER STICKERS SEEN IN
WEST HOLLYWOOD***

--My Child Is An Honor Student At Franklin Elementary.  So Tell Your Kid To Stop Teasing Him For Having Two Dads!

--Honk If You Love Absurdly Tiny Dogs

(NC-17)--I'd Rather Be Fishing . . . And By "Fishing" I Mean Having Gay Sex

(NC-17)--If You Can Read This, Then You're Close Enough To Rear End Me

--My Other Car Is A Fabulous Hot Pink Miata

--Test Tube Baby On Board

--If This Car's A-Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'. . . Unless You Happen To Be Heath Ledger, In Which Case, Come On In

--Honk If You Love Morrissey

--How's My Driving?  If You're A Burly Hunk Of A Man, Give Me A Call To Discuss It Over Brunch

(NC-17)--My Other Ride Is A Venezuelan Pool Boy

(NC-17)--Mean People Suck. . . And So Do I

--Honk If The Back Of My Head Looks Familiar

(NC-17)--Hey, Get Off ON My Ass

(NC-17)--I'd Rather Be Riding Ryan Seacrest

--No My Tranny Isn't Broken . . . He's In The Passenger Seat

(NC-17)--The Car:  A Gas Guzzler, The Owner:  An ASS Guzzler

--Tailgating Not Only Allowed, It's Encouraged!

--Honk If You're Wearing Crotchless Leather Undies Tied To Nipple Clamps Plugged Into Your Car Battery!

(NC-17)--Impeach Bush . . . But Not Dick

--Honk If You're Horny.  Seriously

***BIRTHDAYS***

 

--ROBERT DE NIRO - 64

--SEAN PENN - 47  (Nails Robin Wright-Penn.  Used to nail Madonna AND Jewel.  He is my hero.)

--Bryton McClure - 21  (Richie on "Family Matters".  Bryton used to, and may still, look EXACTLY like a MINI RICK JAMES.)  (Again. . . R.I.P. Rick.)

--Jim Courier - 37  (Washed-up tennis player. . . with the male fire-down-below.)

--DONNIE WAHLBERG - 38  (New Kid On The Block. . . AND brother of the Marky Mark.) 

(--Groupies say Donnie was the biggest he-whore in NKOTB. . . and that he just LOVES the exotic ethnic ladies.  It's oh-so-taboo. . . but true!)

--Gilby Clarke - 45  (Guns 'N Roses rhythm guitarist who replaced Izzy Stradlin.)

--Susan Hawk - 46  (The trucker who gave the legendary Snake-Rat speech on the first "Survivor".)

--Belinda Carlisle - 49  (Formerly chubby lead singer of the Go-Go's.)

--Rick Hilton - 52  (Social Parasite Hilton was once a tiny, irritating sperm swimming around in his testes.)

--KEVIN ROWLAND - 54  (Superstar singer in DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS.  Remember "Come On Eileen"?  WHAT?  You DON'T remember the '80s?  Kevin Rowland does.)

--Davy Crockett - (1786 - 1836)

--Mae West - (1893 - 1980)  (Her classic lines include:  "A hard man is good to find". . . "When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better". . . and "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?")

--David Koresh - (1959 - 1993)  (Wacko leader of the Waco Branch Davidians.)

***BACK IN THE DAY IN . . .***

1957 - Richie Ashburn of the Philadelphia Phillies hit a foul ball that accidentally nailed Alice Roth in the stands and broke her nose.  As Roth was being taken out on a stretcher, Ashburn HIT HER WITH ANOTHER FOUL BALL.

1960 - The Beatles began what would become a three-month engagement at the Indra Club in Hamburg, Germany.  It was the young blokes' first appearance away from England. . . and it's there where they developed their stage act and musical chops.

1964 - The Kinks' "You Really Got Me" was released.

1969 - The original Woodstock ended PEACEFULLY.

1977 - After the death of our King, Elvis Presley, FTD reported that in one day the number of orders for flowers to be delivered to Graceland surpassed the number for any other event in the company's history.

1979 - Vivian Vance (Ethel Mertz on "I Love Lucy") died of breast AND bone cancer. 

1983 - Prince's jam "Delirious" was released.

1986 - Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen played his first UK concert with the band since losing his left arm in a car accident.  Prior to the show, Allen, his one arm, and the band had played a few low-key dates in Ireland with Status Quo.

1987 - Rudolf Hess, the last member of Hitler's inner circle, died at age 93 in a Berlin hospital.  He apparently committed suicide by strangling himself with an electric cord. . . about 43 years after Germany lost World War 2.

1989 - James Cameron married his third wife, Kathryn Bigelow.  Linda Hamilton, who he directed in "Terminator" was his fourth, and he's since moved on to his fifth.

1992 - Woody Allen admitted that he was gyrating about the young genitalia of Mia Farrow's adopted child, Soon-Yi Previn.

1992 - Wayne Newton filed for bankruptcy, owing $20 million to about 200 creditors.  He blamed the recession for his problems.

1994 - David Caruso quit "NYPD Blue" and signed a $2 million contract to do the movie "Jade".  Caruso was replaced by Jimmy Smits. . . who was quite en fuego. . . but quit, and was later replaced by honky Ricky Schroder.

1995 - DRUG DEPENDENCY led Depeche Mode singer Dave Gahan to attempt suicide by slashing his wrists at a Sunset Strip hotel.  He was hospitalized and later recovered.  He got off the Horse.  He rocks.

1997 - A thief broke into Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum in Los Angeles and stole a pair of Elvis Presley's black underwear. . . but left Madonna's stanky panties untouched.

1998 - President Clinton gave a grand jury testimony via the closed-circuit TV from the White House regarding his "relations" with Monica Lewinsky.

(--He then delivered a TV address in which he denied previously committing perjury, admitted his "relations" with Lewinsky were "wrong", and criticized Ken Starr's investigation.)

***GOLD & PLATINUM RECORDS***
1989 - The Metallica video, "2 of One", was certified Gold and Platinum.

1989 - The album "Don't Be Cruel", by Bobby Brown, featuring "Don't Be Cruel", "My Prerogative", "Every Little Step" AND "Gotta Tender Roni", was certified Five-Times Platinum.  (--It hit Seven-Times Platinum in April of 1995.)

1992 - The album "Brand New Man", by Brooks & Dunn, with "My Next Broken Heart", "Boot Scootin' Boogie", "Neon Moon" and "Brand New Man", was certified Platinum.  (--It hit Six-Times Platinum in October of 2002.)

1994 - The album "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge", by Van Halen, with "Right Now" and "Poundcake", went Triple Platinum and their "5150" album, featuring "Why Can't This Be Love?" and "Love Walks In", went Five-Times Platinum.

(--"5150" was certified Six-Times Platinum in May of 2004.)

1994 - The Damn Yankees' self-titled album, "Damn Yankees", featuring the monster-jam "High Enough", went Double Platinum.

1994 - The album "Green", by R.E.M., featuring "Pop Song 89", "Orange Crush", and "Stand" was certified Double Platinum.

1994 - The album "When Love Finds You", by Vince Gill, featuring "What the Cowgirls Do", "Whenever You Come Around" and "You Better Think Twice", was certified Gold and Platinum.  (--It hit Quadruple Platinum in March of 1999.)

1998 - Def Leppard's monster album "Hysteria", featuring "Love Bites", "Pour Some Sugar On Me" AND "Armegeddon It" hit 12-TIMES PLATINUM.

2000 - The gargantuan album "No Strings Attached", by 'N Sync, featuring "Bye Bye Bye", "It's Gonna Be Me" AND "Space Cowboy (Yippie-Yi-Yay)" was certified Nine-Times Platinum.  (--It hit 11-TIMES PLATINUM in May of 2001.)

2004 - Shinedown's album "Leave a Whisper", featuring "Fly from the Inside" and "45", was certified Gold.  (--It hit Platinum in October of 2005.)


Gonorrhea is a sexually transmitted disease (STD).  Gonorrhea is caused by Neisseria gonorrhoeae, a bacterium that can grow and multiply easily in the warm, moist areas of the reproductive tract, including the cervix (opening to the womb), uterus (womb), and fallopian tubes (egg canals) in women, and in the urethra (urine canal) in women and men.  The bacterium can also grow in the mouth, throat, eyes, and anus.

Gonorrhea is spread through contact with the penis, vagina, mouth, or anus. Ejaculation does not have to occur for gonorrhea to be transmitted or acquired.  Gonorrhea can also be spread from mother to baby during delivery.  People who have had gonorrhea and received treatment may get infected again if they have sexual contact with a person infected with gonorrhea.

***SATURDAY BIRTHDAYS***

--Andy Samberg - 29  ("SNL" SUPERSTUD.  He co-created the brilliant "Lazy Sunday" skit with Chris Parnell, and he did the even MORE popular "(Male Organ) in a Box" skit with Justin Timberlake.)

(--His new movie, "Hot Rod", TANKED at the box office last weekend.)

--MALCOLM-JAMAL WARNER - 37  (SUPER + STAR = SUPERSTAR.  As you'll see from his MySpace page. . . yes, his MYSPACE page. . . he apparently wants to be a musician now. . . http://www.myspace.com/malcolmjamalwarner.)

--Edward Norton - 38  (--It's amazing that a man with a degree from Yale, who speaks fluent Japanese and is one of the most talented actors today would ever go near Courtney Love's Hole.)

(--He has wised up since then.  He moved on to Salacious Salma Hayek. . . drilled and dumped her. . . and now he gets to nail ANYONE he likes. . . ANYTIME he wants to.)

--Christian Slater - 38  (Over?) 

--Everlast - 38  (Sadly, Everlast rejects groupies because he's a religious man.  It's sad because they say Everlast needs to wear the baggy pants. . . to fit his massive package inside.)

--Rebecca Bardoux - 44  (Porno skank who's starred in 233 fine films, including:  "Beaver & Buttface", "Dun-Hur", "I Love Juicy", "Few Good Rears" and "The Bootieguard".)

--Denis Leary - 50  (Bitter comic.  He stars in the trendy FX show that no one watches, "Rescue Me".)

--"I USED TO BE" PATRICK SWAYZE - 55  (--Swayze was AWESOME in "Donnie Darko", as one of those phony self-help guys who's actually a PEDOPHILE.)

(--If you've never seen "Donnie Darko", rent it today.  It will blow your mind.  "Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion".)  (???)

--Martin Mull - 64  (Deliciously gay Leon on "Roseanne" AND Colonel Mustard in "Clue".)

--ROBERT REDFORD - 71  (STILL gorgeous.)

--Roman "PEDOPHILE" Polanski - 74

--Rosalynn Carter - 80  (Former First Minx.  Jimmy Carter gets to nail her.  BUT. . . he admits he HAS LUSTED in his heart.) 

--SEXY SHELLEY WINTERS - Would have been 87 - (1920 -2006)  (She's the ULTIMATE chubby.  And I'm a CHUBBY-CHASER.)

--Roberto Clemente - (1934 - 1972)  (Original en fuego Major League Baseball player. 

(--When he first came into the league, the White Devil tried to call him BOB Clemente.  He died in a plane crash while trying to deliver supplies to earthquake-stricken Nicaragua.)

***SUNDAY BIRTHDAYS***

--BILLY CLINTON - 61  (MASTER SWORDSMAN EXTRAORDINAIRE.)

--JOHNNY STAMOS - 44  (UNCLE JESSE.  Check out this video of him acting strangely on an Australian talk show.)  (--CAREFUL!  There's an unedited word for male genitalia.)   

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-1gNgvMTOoY

--Lil' Romeo - 18  (Young urban troubadour sired by The Master P.)
--Erika Christensen - 25  ("Swimfan", "Traffic")
--Fat Joe - 37  (Chubby urban troubadour who got the cool kids singing "Lean Back".)
--Matthew Perry - 38  (Chandler on "Friends" and Matt on the failed show "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip".)
--Tabitha Soren - 40  (Former MTV newsminx.)
--Lee Ann Womack - 41  (Country minx.)
--Kevin Dillon - 42  (Matt Dillon's younger brother. . . who is brilliant as Johnny "Drama" Chase on "Entourage".)

--Kyra Sedgwick - 42  ("The Closer".  Kevin Bacon gets to nail her anytime he wants to.)

--Peter Gallagher - 52  (Sandy Cohen on "The O.C.".  He was also the real estate agent in "American Beauty" who gave his business to Annette Bening REAL good.)

--John Deacon - 56  (Bassist for Queen.)

--Tipper Gore - 59  (Gets to nail AL "HUNG" GORE anytime she wants to.)

--Gerald McRaney - 60 ("Simon & Simon" and "Major Dad" superstar, AND Delta Burke's ho.)

--Ian Gillan - 62  (Deep Purple's lead singer.)

--Fred Dalton Thompson - 65  (Senator-turned-actor.  He WAS the D.A. on "Law & Order".  He had to quit the show because he's probably going to run for president.)

--Johnny Nash - 67  ("I Can See Cleeeeaaaarly Now The Raaaaain Is Gone. . .")

--Ginger Baker - 68  (Drummer for Cream.)

--Willie Shoemaker - (1931 - 2003)  (Legendary jockey.)

--Orville Wright - (1871 - 1948)

--Ogden Nash - (1902 - 1971)  (Witty poet who came up with "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.")